“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.”
~ Jeremiah 17:7
“Come with me – Let’s work on this speech of yours.”
The dramaturge of the production of Hamlet I’ve been rehearsing for pulls me aside during rehearsal. He is a very friendly, British fellow with a LOT of useful information about Shakespeare. I, on the other hand, am a complete amateur at Shakespeare, and so, I welcome him taking a few minutes to review my main speech in the play. I had only read a line or two of this speech when he stated,
“You are reading the text like what you have to say does not matter – without confidence. What you have to say DOES matter.”
I was stunned.
“Come,” he says, “Try it again.”
I fought back the tears reading my lines again. I struggle at times with corrective feedback because I can be sensitive to such criticism (I take things waaayyy too personally). However, this was not the case. What he said to me was not a blow to my pride or hurtful because of my sensitivity. I became upset because what he said to was true about me and how I lived my life.
I realized in that moment that I had been reading my lines as such because I really thought what I said did not matter, that my role did not matter, or that I, myself, in this production did not matter. I further realized that I go about my daily life much of the time with this same attitude: What I say does not matter and I, myself, do not matter.
con·fi·dence/ˈkänfədəns/noun: confidence
the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/confidence?s=t
His words hit home. It struck a painful cord because I have been wrestling with my confidence all my life. Sure, I can act confident at times, to the point that I may actually believe I am indeed confident. Yet, most of the time, confidence is something I believe I lack. More pointedly, I do not have trust in or believe that I can rely on myself and my abilities.
I drove home after rehearsal, tears running down my face, talking out loud to God, yet again, about my confidence issue.
“I am sooo sick of this. I don’t want to be unconfident anymore. I want to feel good about myself, my abilities, and what I have to say. I don’t want to be burdened by doubt and insecurity.”
My external thought process rambled. I recollected all the ways that a lack of confidence hinders me in my personal and professional lives. It has kept me from going after something I really wanted. It has impaired my ability to showcase my true talent. It has restrained me from speaking up about something I believe to be true. I could go on and on.
I grieved. I felt angry and fed up. I felt hopeless.
Then, something in my brain noted an important thing about confidence. I thought, “Well, in what is your confidence?” I believe the Holy Spirit redirected that thought to then say, “In whom is your confidence?”
It is no wonder that I felt like I lacked confidence. My confidence has been inappropriately placed. I was believing in myself. Rather than God, my source of my confidence has been me: Someone who messes up every single day and has a load of imperfections. Someone who makes incorrect assumptions about herself, others, and life. How can one be confident in something or someone who makes a lot of mistakes and has a ton of flaws? Let’s say that, you get in your car in the morning and start it up. When it starts up, the check engine light comes on, it makes this awful rattling sound, begins to shake, and you get that ‘something is definitely burning’ smell. How strong is your confidence that your car will be able to get you to work without falling apart completely or combusting? Probably not that strong.
It is not a matter concerning a lack of confidence rather the object of confidence.
Why should my confidence be in God anyway? I know that I can’t have faith in my abilities because I am an imperfect, finite human being. Is God worthy to have confidence in? Worthy of the kind of trust and belief defines confidence? I think it is time to look at some aspects of God’s character.
First of all, God is all-powerful or omnipotent. He can do anything. We are talking about the Creator of the universe folks. Everything you behold in nature, from the Rocky Mountains to the Great Coral Reef, was designed by God. He even designed you and I. He made the human being. He developed that computer in our heads called a brain that, after thousands of years, mankind still doesn’t fully understand. The Bible is riddled with amazing examples of how powerful God truly is. What about the Great Flood? The parting the Red Sea? Raising Lazarus from the dead? The Almighty Father resurrecting the Lord Jesus Christ on the third day? Yeah. I don’t even come close to that kind of power.
“It is He who made the earth by His power, who established the world by His wisdom, and by His understanding stretched out the heavens.”
~ Jeremiah 10:12
Secondly, God is perfect. He never screws up. He has never made a single mistake in all of eternity (I’m sure I’m batting at currently some 4,253,457,839,398 mistakes in my lifetime and counting). Sometimes, this is super hard for me to wrap my brain around, especially in light of all the problems of the world and the ways I have felt disappointed by circumstances in life. In God’s Word, He states that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). What are the odds of you wanting to trust something that has a zero-track record of screwing up? That thing would likely get a great Consumer Report’s review, be an Amazon’s Choice product, and have 5 stars across the board on Yelp. Well, that’s God. He has a zero-track record for mistakes.
“This God—His way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.”
~ Psalm 18:30
Thirdly, God is good. His nature is all goodness. There is nothing bad or sinful in Him. All His thoughts are good. All His works and behavior is good. All of his intentions and motives are good, even when life is so not good. I know I am not all good. I have a lot of bad in me, although I do not like to admit that very often. But, God is 100%, without-a-doubt, solid good. For the Christian, we have VIP access to God’s strength, perfection, and goodness because we are one, united, and identified with Christ and all His attributes.
“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!”
~ Psalm 34:8
Lastly, God LOVES you and me. Because He loves us and died for us, that gives us inherent and exceptional value. I think His love for us what that means is a very important part of confidence, especially since confidence is often connected with esteem.
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
~ Romans 5:8
Our value is defined by the death and sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross. Jesus was the propitiation (an action meant to regain someone’s favor or make up for something you did wrong) for our sins. Before a perfect, holy God, we all stand guilty of doing wrong against Him. We are naturally separated or estranged from Him because of our sin. And because of that sin, we die (“For the wages of sin is death” ~ Romas 6:23). But God, out of His great love for us, gave Jesus to die in our place so that, by faith in Him, we can be with God forever in Heaven, no longer estranged. Christ died a most brutal, gruesome, painful death. In light of the cross as a means of being with us forever, you know what Jesus said about me and you. “Worth it.” He said. “You are worth it. You are worth dying for.” He esteems us worth the most painful sacrifice. This makes our value pretty out-of-this-world. (I will be posting another blog on value that goes into more depth at a later time).
When my confidence is rooted in God and who I am in Him, I face failure, rejection, and mistake-making without my whole sense of self and worth being shattered. Remember I said earlier that I take things too personally sometimes? I have this itty bitty habit of identifying my worth with my mistakes. Instead of feeling or identifying as a “failure,” I can rest in knowing God’s character and strength will sustain me because. I recognize that who I am, what I say, and what I do matters because God has forever declared me worthwhile by His sacrifice. I can rest in knowing who He is and how He thinks of me is my strength, portion, and identity.
I will be heading back into full-swing rehearsal mode soon. The fears of failure, not being good enough, making mistakes, and falling short are always knocking at the door of my heart, pinning to fill me with insecurity and doubt. BUT, I have an all-powerful, loving, good God who fights for me and has my trust. I don’t have linger in fear. I can look up to the One who is my strength and my life. The One who empowers me. The One who gives me my worth. The One who is my confidence.
With love,
Mallory
girl, look up 